Courage Is To Keep Trying
Malca Youn, 33, Caracas
I’m doubting whether to call this a story of courage, although I do believe it is and for many reasons. I ask myself this because I get overwhelmed by fear day after day, and it’s not a specific kind of fear I’m talking about.
I can tell you that in this infertility challenge I’ve been put to before and after having my precious Mira I’ve fallen “n” times, and gotten back up “n+1” times.
All those moments in which you desire something with all of your heart and soul, but doesn’t materialize just because it’s not the time G-d destined it to be, make you reflect multiple times on your perspectives, on your expectations, your need for control, your thoughts and your sanity. You start to question everything that describes you and end up with a large list of things to think about.
Accepting your body invaded by hormones and your face by pimples; your bloated belly, but not precisely because you’re pregnant; the joy of raising a daughter vanished or interrupted by an unaccomplished desire; an incomplete picture of the perfect family; the energy spent after every attempt; the patience blurred by the repeated negatives; the doubt taking over your thoughts of whether what you’re doing is correct, enough, or maybe too much makes you wonder: Am I worth it? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Should I keep fighting? Yes.
How to fight? changes every day. How can a body that “fails” at the basic function of procreation recover? How can a couple’s relationship get back to its peak after so many shared “no’s”? How can you properly raise a daughter that has been witnessing the disappointing process first hand?
How can you keep telling her that her little brother will come in 9 months + 1?
My story of courage comes when in spite of everything, or better yet, because of everything that has happened, my husband and I decided to create a support group for our community. A group for all those couples on their way to fertility. Because we understand how lonely this journey can get. We understand the difficult moments. We know how helpful it is to have someone by your side that has gone through something similar. At this group, we give a smile, a hand, even when we also need one. We raise funds for fertility treatments. We offer emotional support and even accompany couples in their visit to the doctor. We pray for treatments to work.
I overcame my fear of public speaking by presenting to the group a message of strength, not because I had the courage to talk, but because I couldn’t stay silent. I overcame my fear of needles, even when the constant injections continued to bother me. I overcame my fear of dogs just to not pass it to my daughter (comes from over 3 generations). I overcame my fear of getting lost, or stop being myself.
I overcame the fear of losing everything that I love, for something that I love, but haven’t gotten yet.
By believing in G-d and practicing gratitude I learned how to face and even overcome fears.
I’ve even been afraid of becoming a mother once again. I guess all of us have this fear at some point in our lives. But I do know that we all as women are capable of being the best mother we can be for that child that we are or will be carrying.